Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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