Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
