dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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