I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
