I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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