I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize