I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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