I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
