We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize