please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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