I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
