i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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