broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
