dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
