Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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