Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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