she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
