After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
