I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
