tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
