a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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