An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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