Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
