"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
