Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
