What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
