i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
In America we eat man semen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
