i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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