I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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