kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
