All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
