Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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