My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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