Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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