ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
