I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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