If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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