Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
