I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
