remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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