let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
