Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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