I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
