She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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