somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
