She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
