I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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