Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
