So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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