When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
