Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
