I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
