girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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