I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
