Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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