onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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