Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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