you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
