My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You need Xanax blowdarts
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
