the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
