I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
