my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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