I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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