time to smoke my breakfast
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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